Okay I finally decided to take my own advice and write out things that I'm thinking about or whats going on in my life.(and it's the only thing I can write how I want to) It doesn't bother me if people read this or if people don't read it. It's my way of processing things in my head. Hell I'm a 36yr old single mom who just went back to school and I'm not happy with my life but then again who the hell really is. I know my problems aren't as bad as most people, I'm healthy, have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food in my fridge.
Now I love my kids and will and do do anything for them at a moments notice(have done that for my son and his friends many times over the last few years) because of all I do for my kids some say i stretch myself to thin and there are others that say I just don't have a life of my own. Now the later of the two really bugs me, I was always taught that once you have kids you don't have a life of your own. Your life is now all about your children and their needs. Now don't get me wrong I know there are those dead-beat parents out there that could careless bout their kids (I say parents cause dead-beats are not just men)
Now I am very active in my kids lives...Girl Scout leader for daughters troop, Alumni Drama Booster, Band/Color Guard Booster, and the most popular one Chauffeur. The one thing that bugs me is that my youngest thinks that I do more for my oldest(mind you oldest is in high school and youngest is only in 6th grade) I have told her that he is older and him and his friends do more then she does and when she is his age or in high school I will do all the same things for her and her friends. Now I have my mom telling me the same shit! I don't think I do her and her friends don't do all the actives that her brother and his friends do. Hell I have realized that she gets along better with kids her brother hangs out with then kids her age and they sometimes forget that she is younger because they accept her as one of them. I am the one reminding them how old she is. She has problems making friends at school with kids her age, and I wish she didn't I do wish she had more friends her age that didn't live out of the area(her BFF moved over a year ago)but I hope she finds a good friend this coming up year. As for me I still in school and trying to find me I was still finding myself when I had my son, now that my kids are older I can start living my life for me. I have always been living it for someone else, always worried about what somebody would think or say about whatever I did or said. I'm just so tired of not being happy and being lonely all the time in a house full of people! I can understand how my daughter feels cause my best friend live states away from me and I wish she was back here again to help me when I need it. (least my daughters friend is still in the same state and only bout and hour away!) I feel all alone at times, I have no friends that I hang out with and nobody to go and do things with that are around my age, it's a lonely life so I try and keep myself busy so I don't have time to think about it :) I think going back to school with help with that for me. I just need to find myself and live my life for me and then maybe I will find happiness (other then raising my kids)
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